Unwinding

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So, today is my official last day at Fuze. The manner of my departure mirrors my arrival…underscoring that it isn’t the company for me. This forum is public, so I won’t say much more than the writing was on the wall from day one, and I have learned that cultural fit is way, way important.

A feeling has been creeping up on me all week…a feeling that has been a stranger to me over the past few years. And it actually took me until this morning to recognize and name the feeling — I’m happy. It’s been way too long since happy was the only emotion rolling around in my brain.

I’ve been looking back over some of my blog posts and thinking that I sound like a tortured soul at times. I am certainly plagued by self-doubt, although I know I’m not alone in this emotion. It’s part of the human condition to question ourselves and to demand the best in ourselves and others. I am certainly guilty of both, and I’m sure I’ll continue to be.

But, as I unwind from the incredible roller coaster ride of the past three years, I want to add another note to the symphony of communication and expression. Happy.

When I unwind, slow down, and relax…I can be happy. I also realize that I have so much to be grateful for — supportive friends, a thoughtful boyfriend, a comfortable home, reasonably good health, and my trusty road bike sidekick.

Let’s add grateful to the happy. And that’s more than enough emotions for the time being.

All I Have to Give

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I’ve been operating somewhere between an existential crisis and the exact opposite of one. Or perhaps the more correct statement is that every day I’m having an existential crisis, but some days I don’t have the energy to panic over it. I’ve been trying to follow a path from my “unhappy” life of my early 30’s to some tenuously envisioned future happy fate, but I seem to have hit a blind alley on the journey.

Now I’m in the process of crawling out of that deep, dark, blind space…and I have to evaluate which direction to venture. And all the time, I am questioning my ability to navigate to the envisioned utopia. Frankly, I’m not even sure what the final utopia looks like, and I suspect that there might be several versions that would work.

I’ve been accused of being very hard on myself, both in this blog and in life in general. Complicating matters, my current dead end position is making me question my competence and ability to succeed.

All I have to offer, personally and professionally, is myself.

I sure hope it’s enough.