It’s five in the afternoon and I just signed off of work email – I started my day with a 6 am call. Most days go this way, and it’s mostly OK that every day is a scramble with very little defined beginning and ending. I’ll certainly sign on again later tonight – after Pilates, and cooking dinner, and perhaps after the coveted evening walk. However, one constant question haunts my contemplative moments, in various forms…
Am I good enough? Would someone else work more efficiently? Could others complete these tasks faster or more completely? Do I have talent? What am I missing?
Self doubt is perhaps a very usual emotion for everyone. although psychologists say women have it more than men. I know it certainly drives me to work harder, think faster, and compete against my own personal standards for how both work and play should be accomplished.
Maybe it’s a reflection of my ENTJ egoism, but I don’t worry about being too ugly or fat, too outspoken, or too kind. I worry about not being enough – not working hard enough, not being fast enough, and not being smart enough. I worry about it on the bike, at work, and at home.
I try to believe that this doubt makes me better, and also makes me more human…but then I doubt again.
It’s better on the bike — I don’t have time to fret as much. It’s time to get back on the bike.