Doubt

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It’s five in the afternoon and I just signed off of work email – I started my day with a 6 am call.  Most days go this way, and it’s mostly OK that every day is a scramble with very little defined beginning and ending.  I’ll certainly sign on again later tonight – after Pilates, and cooking dinner, and perhaps after the coveted evening walk.  However, one constant question haunts my contemplative moments, in various forms…

Am I good enough?  Would someone else work more efficiently?  Could others complete these tasks faster or more completely?  Do I have talent?  What am I missing?

Self doubt is perhaps a very usual emotion for everyone. although psychologists say women have it more than men.  I know it certainly drives me to work harder, think faster, and compete against my own personal standards for how both work and play should be accomplished.

Maybe it’s a reflection of my ENTJ egoism, but I don’t worry about being too ugly or fat, too outspoken, or too kind.  I worry about not being enough – not working hard enough, not being fast enough, and not being smart enough.  I worry about it on the bike, at work, and at home.

I try to believe that this doubt makes me better, and also makes me more human…but then I doubt again.

It’s better on the bike — I don’t have time to fret as much.  It’s time to get back on the bike.

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